dear holden,

Holden,

i see you in him-
won’t let go of the filthy red cap that he’s had forever
let you try it on once, took it back a minute later

i see you in the calm composure of a seemingly heroic boy
who wouldn’t think twice while he exaggerates every last one of his stories
he is the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life

i see you in the “slacker” from high school-
hopelessly brilliant-wouldn’t waste a real minute on what he feels is useless

i see you in me
when i watch girls sucking dick for another shot-
calling them a phony i turn around and justify myself
doing the exact same thing
because you gotta do stuff like that to survive in this world

did your brother DB ever regain his dignity in your eyes-
after selling himself on the streets of
hollywood
giving up The Secret Goldfish-
like it didn’t mean anything to you

i want to know everything
about the rest of your life

did you have a child
with a woman you could never truly accept because
she sold her soul to typing reports at a law firm about cases that she didn’t agree on

did you feel anger for Phoebe in the 60’s when
hippies pranced around with their herb and crumby displays of affection,
that went a little below where they should have

did you confront the guy three lockers down when
you knew he was the one who took your slacks at the gym,
or were you just as yellow as you were
when you realized some crook swiped your fur-lined gloves at pencey

junior year english class anger spilled through the cracks of my teeth as
i stood by your emotions
debated against my peers who didn’t understand why you lied,
and complained throughout each chapter of salinger’s brilliance


it’s not enough-
especially for folks who scoff at you and say-
“in one hundred years kids will read that book and he will still be the same whiny fifteen year old bitch”

i can’t say you don’t complain, but I understand why
there will never be a moment when I don’t analyze people
based upon my opinions
of the things you think
and of the things that you do

upon my last seconds
my lips will yell four words
at the top of my goddamned voice-
“sleep tight, ya morons!”