Brunette to Blonde.

Wow, so this was a ride. I've done it before, but what I want was achieved a lot easier than the first time, (trust me, you don't want to know). 

BRUNETTE ME. 

FIRST BLEACHING, CHILLING IN MY HAIR

AFTER FIRST BLEACHING WITH 40 VOLUME DEVELOPER, ORANGE!

AFTER SECOND BLEACHING WITH 20 VOL. DEVELOPER
READY TO TONE WITH WELLA T18 WHITE LADY

BLONDE. 

Theatrical Adventures: Gee family! I sure love being back from college for the Summer.

The minute I moved out of my "cozy" little dorm in the city, I entered a world that not even a "One Tree Hill" producer would air on television because it's just too screwy for teenager soap opera standards.
I'm back in the western suburb, Glen Ellyn, and let me tell you there can be nowhere else in Illinois that irritates my gag reflex more. Lets review the events happening in the first episode of Suburban Hell: Glen Ellyn, from most "normal" to least "normal" for a college kid coming home for summer in The Glen.

1. Summer Job
2. Summer Lovin'
3. I am asked to do multiple things around the house that makes one believe that there is NO way that the family functioned when I wasn't here.
4. A thick stream of consistent complaining pours from my big "trucker mouth" that I miss being at school and just want some privacy.
5. I've got family members making multiple comments to the extra "college" weight. The comments have the effect of lowering my self esteem from 1 to -5 on a 10 point scale (I go to art school).
6. Somehow getting dragged into other peoples shitty relationship problems which in turn makes me worry about my own even though, seemingly: nothing is wrong.
7. Crazy Christian woman living in a 1 person bedroom apartment in Wheaton is actually just another middle aged hypocritical bible banger who happens to also be a mary-jane loving, excess beer drinking, mother of 3 who I'm supposed to call my mother. But what really gets me is that there should not be hippies in Wheaton! Let alone hippie mothers in Wheaton...bring that shit to Naperville.

Might as well try this....

I'll give you the best of me.

REFLECTIONS ON A SKYLINE

I want to play hide and seek, give you my clothes, tell you I love your shoes, sit on the steps when you take a bath

massage your neck, and kiss your face, and hold your hand ,and go for a walk

not mind when you eat my food

and go to Rudy's and talk about the day

talk about your day

and laugh, laugh at your

your paranoia.

I give you tapes you don't listen to.

Watch great films.

Watch terrible films.

and tell you about the TV program I saw before and not laugh at your jokes.

I want you in the morning

but let you sleep in for a while

tell you how much I love your

your eyes

your lips

your neck

your tits

your ass

sit on the steps smoking till your neighbors come home

sit on the steps smoking until you come home

and worry when you're

late, and be amazed when you're early

I give you sunflowers

and go to your party and dance

be sorry when I'm wrong

and happy...when you forgive me

look at your photos

wish I'd known you forever

hearing your voice

in my ear

feel your skin

on my skin

and get scared when you're angry

I tell you you're gorgeous

and hug you when you're anxious

and hold you when you're hurt

I want you when I smell you

don't want to offend you when I touch you

whimper

when I'm next to you

whimper when i'm not

dribble on your breast

smother you in the night, and get cold when you take the blanket

and hot when you don't

melt when you smile

dissolve when you laugh

but not understand how you think I'm rejecting you

when I'm not rejecting you

and wonder how you can think that

I'm ever rejecting you

and wonder...wonder who you are

but I accept you anyway

and tell you about the tree angel

the enchanted forest boy

who flew across the ocean

because he loved you

I buy you presents you don't want

and take them way again

ask you to marry me

you say no again

but keep on asking because

you think I don't mean it

but I always have from the first time I asked you

I wander the city thinking

it's empty without you

but I want what you want

and think I'm losing myself

but but but

I'll tell you the worst of me

and try

to give you the best of me

because

you don't deserve any less.

answer your questions when I'd rather not

and tell you the truth

when I really don't want to

and try to be honest

because I know you prefer it

you think it's all over

but hang on for just ten more minutes

before you throw me out of your life

forget who I am and let me try and get closer to you

and somehow

somehow

somehow, communicate some of the overwhelming

undying

overpowering

unconditional

all encompassing

heart enriching

mind expanding

ongoing

never ending

love...I have for you.

dear holden,

Holden,

i see you in him-
won’t let go of the filthy red cap that he’s had forever
let you try it on once, took it back a minute later

i see you in the calm composure of a seemingly heroic boy
who wouldn’t think twice while he exaggerates every last one of his stories
he is the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life

i see you in the “slacker” from high school-
hopelessly brilliant-wouldn’t waste a real minute on what he feels is useless

i see you in me
when i watch girls sucking dick for another shot-
calling them a phony i turn around and justify myself
doing the exact same thing
because you gotta do stuff like that to survive in this world

did your brother DB ever regain his dignity in your eyes-
after selling himself on the streets of
hollywood
giving up The Secret Goldfish-
like it didn’t mean anything to you

i want to know everything
about the rest of your life

did you have a child
with a woman you could never truly accept because
she sold her soul to typing reports at a law firm about cases that she didn’t agree on

did you feel anger for Phoebe in the 60’s when
hippies pranced around with their herb and crumby displays of affection,
that went a little below where they should have

did you confront the guy three lockers down when
you knew he was the one who took your slacks at the gym,
or were you just as yellow as you were
when you realized some crook swiped your fur-lined gloves at pencey

junior year english class anger spilled through the cracks of my teeth as
i stood by your emotions
debated against my peers who didn’t understand why you lied,
and complained throughout each chapter of salinger’s brilliance


it’s not enough-
especially for folks who scoff at you and say-
“in one hundred years kids will read that book and he will still be the same whiny fifteen year old bitch”

i can’t say you don’t complain, but I understand why
there will never be a moment when I don’t analyze people
based upon my opinions
of the things you think
and of the things that you do

upon my last seconds
my lips will yell four words
at the top of my goddamned voice-
“sleep tight, ya morons!”

Love is when the lust fades, and the beauty stays.

The truth is that this post should have been about orgasms.
**Most recorded orgasms in an hour: 134 for a woman and 16 for a man.** (The Examiner)

So I haven't posted anything for a couple weeks. Mostly because a witty thought hasn't ran across my mind for that long. It wasn't until now that I decided it doesn't matter if what I have to say it witty or cute or intelligent. I just want to write. However, me just writing is like those commercials with folks spitting out search engine results. All I'm saying is...I can't ever come to a conclusion to my jumbled mess of a mind...and that you don't get that luxury either.

Thoughts:

How does it make sense that I can eat a king size cookies and cream candy bar and lose a pound; I guess I can eat two cookies today.

There is no good reason that a college education should cost me $30,000 and my sanity...every year.

I should probably read that article in Psychologies: Ten Things I Hate About You. Why we sabotage our relationships.

Why am I so oversensitive.
How have I overcome everything I've been through.
I'm just so full of melodramatic resilience.

Why does stumbleupon stumble upon two porn sites in a row. Stop it. I want variety.

No matter how much I rant about communication and brutal honesty, I let things irritate me until I blow up at people.
So this is what I'm telling myself: "Stop being a hypocrite Noel. Just say what you feel when the feeling sets in."

Why is it that every little conflict is the end of the world to me? Seriously I over analyze it and freak out until I'm sure I should check my facebook every 5 minutes in case I'm single.

yeah....that's about 7 of one million thoughts that have gone through my head today/tonight. Awesome.

Me.

Eyeballs

So, I've been looking at my eyes in pictures lately. Not to see the color or shape or anything, but rather to analyze my happiness level. My eyes say everything. I can contort every muscle in my face, but can't make my eyes speak true happiness unless it is so.

This tells me that not enough people look at eyes. So I am going to make it my business to look at peoples eyes more. I'm interested in this because eyes are the windows to the darned soul or whatnot, and well I think it might be quite funny to make excessive eye contact with people until they get uncomfortable.

"YO, why you looking at me like that, bitch?!?!"

"Uhhh...?"

Me.

p.s. The picture is true happiness in case ya'll were wondering if I was really that deceptive.

Heart & Soul.

Do not demand for someone's soul if you already have their heart.

Trust

Is trust eliminating every idea in your thought process that led you to believe you shouldn't trust said person? Or is trust just not ever thinking those thoughts about a person (being overly naive and gullible)?

I want to understand trust more...I think I'm so interested in trust because it's more of a feeling or understanding than a tangible thing.

I have a hard time trusting people, but I am honest with people, some would say brutally honest. Because of this, I realize that a lot of the time I think that people should trust me.

Some things about trust that I will say are that:

• I do not believe that trust is two sided; in any relationship, whether it be plutonic, familial, or romantic can at anytime be one-sided when it comes to trust.
• Trust is not getting the pressure in your chest that says you shouldn't.
• Trust is knowing you won't be abandoned by somebody.
• Trust is optimism.

The dictionary on my mac tells me this on the subject:

trust |trəst|
noun
1 firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something : relations have to be built on trust | they have been able to win the trust of the others.
• acceptance of the truth of a statement without evidence or investigation : I used only primary sources, taking nothing on trust.
• the state of being responsible for someone or something : a man in a position of trust.
• poetic/literary a person or duty for which one has responsibility : rulership is a trust from God.
• poetic/literary a hope or expectation : all the great trusts of womanhood.

...but I want to know what you think?

Here are some peoples thoughts:

Trust is bullshit you cant trust anyone but yourself. -Jeff

The knowledge that someone isn’t going to hurt you, or betray you. And believing that as a fact.-Grace

I would say that trust is the sense of certaintity that comes from believing something to be true. Erich

Trust is knowing the other person wouldn't do anything to negatively affect you.-Brian C.

Well, in a relationship between two people, and will use romantic in this instance. Trust is not being jealous of other males/females being around your significant other. It is also not being fearful that they will cheat or do things will another person that makes you question your feelings for them (tying into jealousy a bit). um...trust is honesty.-Chris M.

Being able to count on someone to respect your values and your morals, and that they won’t betray them.-Marycate H.

Trust is hard to define. trust is having faith in some one because they have your best interests in mind...like when i ask your advice i know your telling me what i should do for me.-Bob M.

Trust is when two people are sure the other can hold in secrets without telling anyone else, and when they can assume the other did the correct thing even without physically knowing.-Michael S.

reincarnate.

I decided today that I was going to get more involved in all of my online accounts. I need to become a more prevalent person over the internet! We'll see how this goes. So this month, I decided that from today, March 11, 2010 to next month, April 11, 2010 that I will post on my blog everyday [this post does not count, I will enter a real one soon later]. In addition I will update in some way my twitter twice a day at least, my facebook once a day, and my myspace once a week.

this site of course.
twitter: www.twitter.com/noel_tijerina
facebook: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?ref=profile&id=510558620
myspace:http://www.myspace.com/whenitrainsitpoursx3

me.