I'll give you the best of me.

REFLECTIONS ON A SKYLINE

I want to play hide and seek, give you my clothes, tell you I love your shoes, sit on the steps when you take a bath

massage your neck, and kiss your face, and hold your hand ,and go for a walk

not mind when you eat my food

and go to Rudy's and talk about the day

talk about your day

and laugh, laugh at your

your paranoia.

I give you tapes you don't listen to.

Watch great films.

Watch terrible films.

and tell you about the TV program I saw before and not laugh at your jokes.

I want you in the morning

but let you sleep in for a while

tell you how much I love your

your eyes

your lips

your neck

your tits

your ass

sit on the steps smoking till your neighbors come home

sit on the steps smoking until you come home

and worry when you're

late, and be amazed when you're early

I give you sunflowers

and go to your party and dance

be sorry when I'm wrong

and happy...when you forgive me

look at your photos

wish I'd known you forever

hearing your voice

in my ear

feel your skin

on my skin

and get scared when you're angry

I tell you you're gorgeous

and hug you when you're anxious

and hold you when you're hurt

I want you when I smell you

don't want to offend you when I touch you

whimper

when I'm next to you

whimper when i'm not

dribble on your breast

smother you in the night, and get cold when you take the blanket

and hot when you don't

melt when you smile

dissolve when you laugh

but not understand how you think I'm rejecting you

when I'm not rejecting you

and wonder how you can think that

I'm ever rejecting you

and wonder...wonder who you are

but I accept you anyway

and tell you about the tree angel

the enchanted forest boy

who flew across the ocean

because he loved you

I buy you presents you don't want

and take them way again

ask you to marry me

you say no again

but keep on asking because

you think I don't mean it

but I always have from the first time I asked you

I wander the city thinking

it's empty without you

but I want what you want

and think I'm losing myself

but but but

I'll tell you the worst of me

and try

to give you the best of me

because

you don't deserve any less.

answer your questions when I'd rather not

and tell you the truth

when I really don't want to

and try to be honest

because I know you prefer it

you think it's all over

but hang on for just ten more minutes

before you throw me out of your life

forget who I am and let me try and get closer to you

and somehow

somehow

somehow, communicate some of the overwhelming

undying

overpowering

unconditional

all encompassing

heart enriching

mind expanding

ongoing

never ending

love...I have for you.

dear holden,

Holden,

i see you in him-
won’t let go of the filthy red cap that he’s had forever
let you try it on once, took it back a minute later

i see you in the calm composure of a seemingly heroic boy
who wouldn’t think twice while he exaggerates every last one of his stories
he is the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life

i see you in the “slacker” from high school-
hopelessly brilliant-wouldn’t waste a real minute on what he feels is useless

i see you in me
when i watch girls sucking dick for another shot-
calling them a phony i turn around and justify myself
doing the exact same thing
because you gotta do stuff like that to survive in this world

did your brother DB ever regain his dignity in your eyes-
after selling himself on the streets of
hollywood
giving up The Secret Goldfish-
like it didn’t mean anything to you

i want to know everything
about the rest of your life

did you have a child
with a woman you could never truly accept because
she sold her soul to typing reports at a law firm about cases that she didn’t agree on

did you feel anger for Phoebe in the 60’s when
hippies pranced around with their herb and crumby displays of affection,
that went a little below where they should have

did you confront the guy three lockers down when
you knew he was the one who took your slacks at the gym,
or were you just as yellow as you were
when you realized some crook swiped your fur-lined gloves at pencey

junior year english class anger spilled through the cracks of my teeth as
i stood by your emotions
debated against my peers who didn’t understand why you lied,
and complained throughout each chapter of salinger’s brilliance


it’s not enough-
especially for folks who scoff at you and say-
“in one hundred years kids will read that book and he will still be the same whiny fifteen year old bitch”

i can’t say you don’t complain, but I understand why
there will never be a moment when I don’t analyze people
based upon my opinions
of the things you think
and of the things that you do

upon my last seconds
my lips will yell four words
at the top of my goddamned voice-
“sleep tight, ya morons!”

Love is when the lust fades, and the beauty stays.

The truth is that this post should have been about orgasms.
**Most recorded orgasms in an hour: 134 for a woman and 16 for a man.** (The Examiner)

So I haven't posted anything for a couple weeks. Mostly because a witty thought hasn't ran across my mind for that long. It wasn't until now that I decided it doesn't matter if what I have to say it witty or cute or intelligent. I just want to write. However, me just writing is like those commercials with folks spitting out search engine results. All I'm saying is...I can't ever come to a conclusion to my jumbled mess of a mind...and that you don't get that luxury either.

Thoughts:

How does it make sense that I can eat a king size cookies and cream candy bar and lose a pound; I guess I can eat two cookies today.

There is no good reason that a college education should cost me $30,000 and my sanity...every year.

I should probably read that article in Psychologies: Ten Things I Hate About You. Why we sabotage our relationships.

Why am I so oversensitive.
How have I overcome everything I've been through.
I'm just so full of melodramatic resilience.

Why does stumbleupon stumble upon two porn sites in a row. Stop it. I want variety.

No matter how much I rant about communication and brutal honesty, I let things irritate me until I blow up at people.
So this is what I'm telling myself: "Stop being a hypocrite Noel. Just say what you feel when the feeling sets in."

Why is it that every little conflict is the end of the world to me? Seriously I over analyze it and freak out until I'm sure I should check my facebook every 5 minutes in case I'm single.

yeah....that's about 7 of one million thoughts that have gone through my head today/tonight. Awesome.

Me.